News came that my uncle in US has deciede to marry a girl who's family lived in northern city of RASHT were my father was just posted and were actualy is my father's home town too, we were still in tehran as mom's transfer was taking more time ....as it is tradition boy's family have to go to the girl's home to finalize the marriage proposal and fix the date and other formalities so my mother along with my elder uncle and grandmaa and grandpaa and i and my little sis started towards Rasht one day it was 7 hrs jurney by bus...it was summer time and we reached there in the middle of night my father was there to recieve us and then the brides family were sopouse to come and pick us , being my father's native place i had visited that city 100 time since my childhood but it never felt so strange like that night ....may be becaus i was going to some stranger's house to become relative with them ! how is that?
i was feeling drowsy but some how enjoying humidity of air and smell of greenery of those tall Ash and Elm trees...i was in my own world when a middle age handsome man came close to us and intredused himself as a father of brid to be...what ? father? he must be her brother ,no way he can be his father ...i was thinking he was looking so young to be father of the bried not knowing that he is already even grandfather too.
we reached to their home which was located in one of pushest areas of city ...i was rubbing my eyes, am i dreaming or what? it is like movies...white bunglow with tall wooden windows and white fence in front yard and even more grass smell here... such thing in Tehran is a rare scene to find.
everything started with a grand reception and introduction of both the families and then even grander and greater dinner.OH ,that i'm dieing for north Iranian Cusin ....my goodness all my favourite foods at one place from where should i start ? FESENJAN or BAGHLA KHORESHT ...OR MAHI SEFID ?
after eating it was time for my eye lead to fall heavy i don't know what elders talked and for how long , it was not my wedding anyway ...
humid climet of rasht make the sleeping such a plesure i love that climet i love those mornings ,sound of sparrows chirps and lush green garden with white fence covered with Wistaria(yaas e banafsh) that smell is maddening ...i was still dreaming ...wow! childhood o, childhood...
i don't know after how many days we came back but it was going to be a wedding very soon so we will come back again, but even before wedding mom's transfer was given and my family was there already waiting for every one to come to attend the wedding it was atumn and in Gilan atumn is even more beautiful than summer green leaves turn to shade of red and orange and look like painting...at that time my dearest youngest aunty was married newly and was carring her child which turn out to be a blessing for our familly and preciouse little thing to take care of ,you will know why soon...i don't remember much about the wedding ceremoney as i was busy playing and making new friends...i even don't remember what was the food that day unlike the reception night that i told u already...wedding was over and whole family returned to Tehran except us...i and my sis joined new school and life started a new chapter for me...missing my Grandmaa and restlessly awaiting to go back to her there came the next summer and we were in Tehran for holidays ,one day around noon there was a load explosion sound (at that time it was not very strange as war was going on with IRAQ) everyone thought it was a bomb blast ...it was only few hours later that grandmaa's home got crowd and crowder everyone were wearing black ...that means something bad has happened but to whom and how ?
My dearest auntie's young husband died in a chemical explosion in a army camp ...she was 19 years old and my little cuddly causin was 40 days old only(now u know why he became such a preciouse thing to whole of my family) ... my God ,my lord why r u doing this ? how can u do such thing? i was 9 yrs old at that time to be frank we were more busy playing as all causins were around rather than murning ...but i knew what dose it mean ,that means my little causin can not see his father ever again even befor he could recognize him and it was painful...
not a good summer at all, wish all summers where like last summer when she was carring child and everyone were happy to attend the wedding without bride and groom ( they didn't come Iran for their wedding)
wish all summers were like that summer ...but god is still not done with us, still more tagedy to come ,more pain,more tears more lost...
i will tell u what God had for us very soon...
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Monday, December 14, 2009
how much i loved spring...
Grand maa's heart is tierd of beating, it has been beating for everybody for so long, it has beaten for me the most since i remember it...
there was atraditional old home with lots of rooms all around the yard ,one small rectangular pond in the middle whith most of the rooms being rented out to small famileis yard was always full of small children of my age, i remember it yet, one was washing her children's cloth while another was washing their last night supper's dirty dishes, another brooming front of her door...i was land lord's grand daughter ,loved by everyone (atleast they had to show it that way even if they realy didn't like me) there was an VAIN plant in the entrance of the yard and we were enjoing it's grapes as well as deliciouse DOLMEH dish that grand ma was preparing with VINE leaves.
i grew up with her ,i grew up sitting on her lap and eating my lunch sleeping on her lap while she sang KHORASANI folk music for me ,some times a tiny drop of tears running down her cheek, no wonder there is such a fasination about Khorasani music in me which thanks to SIMA BINA all have been preserved for generations to come...i remember i was affraid she get old ,i was telling her please don't get old grand ma, but how can that ,youth has slept away through my own fingers already...
oh my poor dearest grand ma,her heart has beaten for us all so much that is tierd of beating for her now,
i remember some days when she was too busy to attend me ,with one big bed sheet she was wraping me on her back and while she was working around home i slowly slowly going to sleep listening to the melodies she was humming by her self...some times i feel guilty as she sufferd arthroied ,may be she carried me so much on her shoulders, she carried the whole world on her shoulder ,she is still the world to all of us,she is center of every body's life in that family ...
anyway as i grew up the house grew too, they renovated it to a 4 story building there was no more space for that little pond and all that busy people around it they enrooted the vain tree no more Dolmeh in summers whit our own vain leaves...i miss my old home were i was bitting son of neighbour and asking him : ALI JAAN MY BITE IS PAINING YOU? and her mother was telling no dear bite of ppl like you is not painfull for ppl like us...what dose that mean ? i didn't know back then...i must have hurt ALI'S mother every time i bit him and she could not utter a word about it...Ali JAAN where ever you are now ,what ever you are doing ,please forgive me ...now the old home is gone, Ali is gone and the pond is gone there is nothing funny anymore.
did i tell that when i was little kid at grand maa's home 5 of my aunts and uncles were un married , some were working and some were studing ...2 of them the youngest one were 9 and 7 years older than me ,they were almost like sibiling to me than aunt and uncle...i grew up running around and playing hid an seek and buying snaks behind grandmaa's back with them...
any one of u remember those Merry Go Round on the wheels ,coming everyday to your locality and calling children for play? be side them Zolbia seller standing and selling Zolbia for 1 Rial only ....that was the best time of the day which i and uncle loved the most...one round of Mery go round and one piece of Zolbia( for those who may not know what is zolbia :it is an IRANIAN traditional sweet made out of dough and soked in suger syrup)
oh my ,was there any ESFAND MAH that they didn't wash all those heavy hand woven carpets in the house and cleaned all the windows top to toe and brought out all the almirah's stuff and then put it back inside again?
was there any ESFAND MAH that we didn't buy a Gold Fish and HYACINTH plant( our own old SONBOL) i loved the mauve color flowers standing on top of it so fresh like my long lost child hood...(ESFAND is the last month of Iranian calander where we prepar our houses for arrivel of the spring)
oh when i was child in our house there was HUKKAH also and always prepared for my rather seriuos Grand paa, did you love that smell as much as i did? amazed by the sound that water was maiking in that glass vase of the Hukkah i was wondering how water is not coming out of the pipe but smoke is coming ?
soon one uncle got married, 2 moved to USA and then there was only me and my youngest aunt and uncle... what life had in store for three of us and how God broke each of us heart in worst manner is another story all to gether ... and i'll tell you next time.
there was atraditional old home with lots of rooms all around the yard ,one small rectangular pond in the middle whith most of the rooms being rented out to small famileis yard was always full of small children of my age, i remember it yet, one was washing her children's cloth while another was washing their last night supper's dirty dishes, another brooming front of her door...i was land lord's grand daughter ,loved by everyone (atleast they had to show it that way even if they realy didn't like me) there was an VAIN plant in the entrance of the yard and we were enjoing it's grapes as well as deliciouse DOLMEH dish that grand ma was preparing with VINE leaves.
i grew up with her ,i grew up sitting on her lap and eating my lunch sleeping on her lap while she sang KHORASANI folk music for me ,some times a tiny drop of tears running down her cheek, no wonder there is such a fasination about Khorasani music in me which thanks to SIMA BINA all have been preserved for generations to come...i remember i was affraid she get old ,i was telling her please don't get old grand ma, but how can that ,youth has slept away through my own fingers already...
oh my poor dearest grand ma,her heart has beaten for us all so much that is tierd of beating for her now,
i remember some days when she was too busy to attend me ,with one big bed sheet she was wraping me on her back and while she was working around home i slowly slowly going to sleep listening to the melodies she was humming by her self...some times i feel guilty as she sufferd arthroied ,may be she carried me so much on her shoulders, she carried the whole world on her shoulder ,she is still the world to all of us,she is center of every body's life in that family ...
anyway as i grew up the house grew too, they renovated it to a 4 story building there was no more space for that little pond and all that busy people around it they enrooted the vain tree no more Dolmeh in summers whit our own vain leaves...i miss my old home were i was bitting son of neighbour and asking him : ALI JAAN MY BITE IS PAINING YOU? and her mother was telling no dear bite of ppl like you is not painfull for ppl like us...what dose that mean ? i didn't know back then...i must have hurt ALI'S mother every time i bit him and she could not utter a word about it...Ali JAAN where ever you are now ,what ever you are doing ,please forgive me ...now the old home is gone, Ali is gone and the pond is gone there is nothing funny anymore.
did i tell that when i was little kid at grand maa's home 5 of my aunts and uncles were un married , some were working and some were studing ...2 of them the youngest one were 9 and 7 years older than me ,they were almost like sibiling to me than aunt and uncle...i grew up running around and playing hid an seek and buying snaks behind grandmaa's back with them...
any one of u remember those Merry Go Round on the wheels ,coming everyday to your locality and calling children for play? be side them Zolbia seller standing and selling Zolbia for 1 Rial only ....that was the best time of the day which i and uncle loved the most...one round of Mery go round and one piece of Zolbia( for those who may not know what is zolbia :it is an IRANIAN traditional sweet made out of dough and soked in suger syrup)
oh my ,was there any ESFAND MAH that they didn't wash all those heavy hand woven carpets in the house and cleaned all the windows top to toe and brought out all the almirah's stuff and then put it back inside again?
was there any ESFAND MAH that we didn't buy a Gold Fish and HYACINTH plant( our own old SONBOL) i loved the mauve color flowers standing on top of it so fresh like my long lost child hood...(ESFAND is the last month of Iranian calander where we prepar our houses for arrivel of the spring)
oh when i was child in our house there was HUKKAH also and always prepared for my rather seriuos Grand paa, did you love that smell as much as i did? amazed by the sound that water was maiking in that glass vase of the Hukkah i was wondering how water is not coming out of the pipe but smoke is coming ?
soon one uncle got married, 2 moved to USA and then there was only me and my youngest aunt and uncle... what life had in store for three of us and how God broke each of us heart in worst manner is another story all to gether ... and i'll tell you next time.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
FATHER
wondering why sometimes in your life you make bad decisions or worse than that even can not make any decision??? or you feel you have to explain youself to everyone or you have to sacrifise in order to be loved or accepted ?that is how i felt most of my growing years...i'll tell you :
it has everything to do with your parents...it has everything to do with your childhood...it has everything to do with how did they thought you to the world as a child that made you an adult that you are today...being parent is a scary thing ,today i am , and it makes me worry if i am good enough,posetive enough,happy enough ,knowledgable and strong enough to be a mother she deserve or to bring up my little girl the way she would feel happy as an adult and say THANKS TO MY MOM today i am a HAPPY ,CONFIDENT ,SUCCESSFUL WOMAN...
Not necasserily the parents should be bad people in order to have children like me ,like most of us...
we all know our parents as the best any child could possibly have...loving ,caring, sacrifising...
in order to know why i am here today, i should know where my father was yesterday as a child and how did he grew up?here is little bit about him from birth to death...
He was youngest of 5 siblings, he became orphan at the age of 6 months only ,his mother being depressed and devastated by the sudden death of her husband ,lost all her intrest in life and her orphan little boy or atleast for quite sometimes it was like that ...my father was cared by his eldest sister who replaced the mother figure for him ,father figure? he never had one ,his brother was too selfish to bother about his needs ,he rather treated him like a staff amoung his other staffs...he never had a proper family around him despite of moving from this sister's home to other one or from this aunt to that aunty...while seeing his causins all have father who take care of their needs he had a brother who was paying him in exchange of any work he was doing for him ( he thaough that will make him man faster !)who knows maybe as a child he was even teased and hurt by his causins or friends for being orphan...he never told us ,how ever he told lots of heart breaking stories of his childhood.
was it a genetical problem or as a result of early age consomption of alcohl ,he was suffering rare kind of SYNDROM ,which made his digestive system to creat alcer all the time from place to place ...he was always in pain ,that was the reason for consuming alcohl ,it was giving him relief or that is how he felt ,by the age 25 he had his 3rd surgery and that is how he met my mother ,who was a nurse at the same hospital which he was being treated...they got married and he became father ,i am elder of 3 sibling ...
now the question is : how did he learn to be a father? where did he learn how a good father should be and what father hood is all about?
i'll tell you...as an orphan who could not have most of the things that others in his age where having he learnt that a GOOD FATHER should always BUY and GIVE things to his children even if they don't realy need it...he should just give and give and buy and buy ,don't have enough money for luxury toys? BORROW and BUY it but don't allow them to feel others have better fathers ...he was awonderful father ,he loved us so much ,being always an extra one in everyones household ,for him sence of belonging to the family of his own was such a strong feeling ,but why did we lost him or better ask TO WHAT DID WE LOST HIM?
to our selfishness ...it was his ego against ours... did i forget what a wonderful father he was to me? no i didn't but i expected him to sacrifise a bit when all the borden was on mom's shoulder and he didn't (i know now it was not his fault, he couldn't, as he didn't learnt it ...did he have a sacrifising mother to take care of him no matter what ? NO ,had he sacrifising brother to give him love instead of job ? NO ...how could he possibly know such thing... despite of being wonderful and kind father he could not be sacrifising for sure) but how could i undrestand that at that time ...all i could see was his fault ...becaus of him we lost everything and becaus of him mother was working in 3 hospital, becaus of him i couldn't afford going to fine art high school...poor dad,what i couldn't see was how lonely he was,how sick he was, how much pain was in his heart rather than in his wounded stomach...i didn't see all of that until it was too late... we lost him one night just one week before new year ,the year in which he had told to mom he wanted to apologize to us (children)and to start afresh with us and with life...that year never came for him nor for us...he commited sucide one night and i was the first to rush to his help( as he was always first to come to me to wipe my tears when i was crying and feed me when i was not eating or listen to me when i was talking...) i gave him CPR, i cleaned his fumming mouth that he could breath again,i did what i was learnt during all those years of growing up with a nurse mother...but i couldn't save him ,and i never ever could forgive myself ,not even now after 15 years...
now all my dearest friend who were surprise why i did not call them to his funeral know it all...i just couldn't do that.i was devastated i still am when ever i remember him...i'll tell you more about my relation with him in future...
please keep reading to know about my journey of life...
it has everything to do with your parents...it has everything to do with your childhood...it has everything to do with how did they thought you to the world as a child that made you an adult that you are today...being parent is a scary thing ,today i am , and it makes me worry if i am good enough,posetive enough,happy enough ,knowledgable and strong enough to be a mother she deserve or to bring up my little girl the way she would feel happy as an adult and say THANKS TO MY MOM today i am a HAPPY ,CONFIDENT ,SUCCESSFUL WOMAN...
Not necasserily the parents should be bad people in order to have children like me ,like most of us...
we all know our parents as the best any child could possibly have...loving ,caring, sacrifising...
in order to know why i am here today, i should know where my father was yesterday as a child and how did he grew up?here is little bit about him from birth to death...
He was youngest of 5 siblings, he became orphan at the age of 6 months only ,his mother being depressed and devastated by the sudden death of her husband ,lost all her intrest in life and her orphan little boy or atleast for quite sometimes it was like that ...my father was cared by his eldest sister who replaced the mother figure for him ,father figure? he never had one ,his brother was too selfish to bother about his needs ,he rather treated him like a staff amoung his other staffs...he never had a proper family around him despite of moving from this sister's home to other one or from this aunt to that aunty...while seeing his causins all have father who take care of their needs he had a brother who was paying him in exchange of any work he was doing for him ( he thaough that will make him man faster !)who knows maybe as a child he was even teased and hurt by his causins or friends for being orphan...he never told us ,how ever he told lots of heart breaking stories of his childhood.
was it a genetical problem or as a result of early age consomption of alcohl ,he was suffering rare kind of SYNDROM ,which made his digestive system to creat alcer all the time from place to place ...he was always in pain ,that was the reason for consuming alcohl ,it was giving him relief or that is how he felt ,by the age 25 he had his 3rd surgery and that is how he met my mother ,who was a nurse at the same hospital which he was being treated...they got married and he became father ,i am elder of 3 sibling ...
now the question is : how did he learn to be a father? where did he learn how a good father should be and what father hood is all about?
i'll tell you...as an orphan who could not have most of the things that others in his age where having he learnt that a GOOD FATHER should always BUY and GIVE things to his children even if they don't realy need it...he should just give and give and buy and buy ,don't have enough money for luxury toys? BORROW and BUY it but don't allow them to feel others have better fathers ...he was awonderful father ,he loved us so much ,being always an extra one in everyones household ,for him sence of belonging to the family of his own was such a strong feeling ,but why did we lost him or better ask TO WHAT DID WE LOST HIM?
to our selfishness ...it was his ego against ours... did i forget what a wonderful father he was to me? no i didn't but i expected him to sacrifise a bit when all the borden was on mom's shoulder and he didn't (i know now it was not his fault, he couldn't, as he didn't learnt it ...did he have a sacrifising mother to take care of him no matter what ? NO ,had he sacrifising brother to give him love instead of job ? NO ...how could he possibly know such thing... despite of being wonderful and kind father he could not be sacrifising for sure) but how could i undrestand that at that time ...all i could see was his fault ...becaus of him we lost everything and becaus of him mother was working in 3 hospital, becaus of him i couldn't afford going to fine art high school...poor dad,what i couldn't see was how lonely he was,how sick he was, how much pain was in his heart rather than in his wounded stomach...i didn't see all of that until it was too late... we lost him one night just one week before new year ,the year in which he had told to mom he wanted to apologize to us (children)and to start afresh with us and with life...that year never came for him nor for us...he commited sucide one night and i was the first to rush to his help( as he was always first to come to me to wipe my tears when i was crying and feed me when i was not eating or listen to me when i was talking...) i gave him CPR, i cleaned his fumming mouth that he could breath again,i did what i was learnt during all those years of growing up with a nurse mother...but i couldn't save him ,and i never ever could forgive myself ,not even now after 15 years...
now all my dearest friend who were surprise why i did not call them to his funeral know it all...i just couldn't do that.i was devastated i still am when ever i remember him...i'll tell you more about my relation with him in future...
please keep reading to know about my journey of life...
Friday, December 11, 2009
WHEN I STARTED WRITING
I WAS 15 AND IT WAS SUMMER HOLIDAY AND I CAME ACROSS A BOOK FROM LEO TOLSTOY called...CHILDHOOD,BOYHOOD AND YOUTH,an auto biographical novel by master about his own life...it immpresed me so much that i desided to write my own biography and i started to do so but i was only 15/16 what could i write at that age? any way after writing some 20/25 page i thought i have to wait few more years and when all the exiting things started happening i'll write again...but by next summer my FATHER who knew what a book worm i am (as he himself planted the love for litrature in my heart) bought me a book called DESIREE this one was even more awsome ...it was about daily life of an ordinary 16 years old girl which took an extra ordinary turn in order to become Napoleon's first love and then even QUEEN of SWEDEN and FINLAND...wow ,what a life ,i thought ,who knows may be i also have an extra ordinary life to write about ...so that was that i asked my father (who was not living with us at that time for the reasons which i'll explain later ) to buy me a DIERY and i started writing every single night about happening of that day ,at first it was boring and looked silly but i knew i'll have a lot to write about one day anyway...
i did write from age 16 till 29 every single night, i had precious collection of moments about those who are no more with me today ...about my father's sucide ,about my mothers battle with cancer...abouth my dearest uncle's wedding and birth of his two loving children ,whome all wanished in a tragic accident 3 years ago ...i wrote about my life,my love my pain my loneliness ...my friends and my enemies...but one fine summer day under influance of one silly mind i BURNT OUT EVERYTHING ...i bournt out my best and worst moment of life i ,burnt my father and my uncle and my loved one all along with my 14 big fat diery books...and thas very same fire is still burning my heart as why did i do such a silly mistake ...somethings when its gone ,will never come back again...now i still can remember many of those days but not with such details that i wrote in my dieries for almoust 14 years... i can remember the day my uncle got married or the day he became father or the day my father commited sucide but i don't remember what we said and what we heared and all of that beautiful tiny bit of details that made my memories worth writing ...i curse the day i burnt them ,and i'll tell you why and how i did it ...please keep reading my story ,i did not become a queen nor i am going to be one but i have had an extra ordinary experiances as i wished so .i am 37 now and i am all set to share it with the world...
i did write from age 16 till 29 every single night, i had precious collection of moments about those who are no more with me today ...about my father's sucide ,about my mothers battle with cancer...abouth my dearest uncle's wedding and birth of his two loving children ,whome all wanished in a tragic accident 3 years ago ...i wrote about my life,my love my pain my loneliness ...my friends and my enemies...but one fine summer day under influance of one silly mind i BURNT OUT EVERYTHING ...i bournt out my best and worst moment of life i ,burnt my father and my uncle and my loved one all along with my 14 big fat diery books...and thas very same fire is still burning my heart as why did i do such a silly mistake ...somethings when its gone ,will never come back again...now i still can remember many of those days but not with such details that i wrote in my dieries for almoust 14 years... i can remember the day my uncle got married or the day he became father or the day my father commited sucide but i don't remember what we said and what we heared and all of that beautiful tiny bit of details that made my memories worth writing ...i curse the day i burnt them ,and i'll tell you why and how i did it ...please keep reading my story ,i did not become a queen nor i am going to be one but i have had an extra ordinary experiances as i wished so .i am 37 now and i am all set to share it with the world...
here i am seating late at night ,my husband and my daughter in front of me and watching TV...i'm asking myself why i have lost the touch with all my feelings...i was once full of joy and pain of life and love and i loved to be in pain(yes pain) you know why ? becaus after sometimes coming out of that mood and feeling alive and feeling in love with life again was the great thing about being sorrowful...i once could cry even when i was happy ,i could laugh even when i was sad...now seems i am strange with all that feelings...i can not cry anymore and it has been long long long time since i laughed at something ( i mean real laughter not silly smile on my face)
something gone badly wrong in my life many years ago and the nightmare is still continue to be with me ...i have desided to tell my story in this way ,may my pain go away and may i get in touch with good side of myself again that i could feel happy and be happy again...
something gone badly wrong in my life many years ago and the nightmare is still continue to be with me ...i have desided to tell my story in this way ,may my pain go away and may i get in touch with good side of myself again that i could feel happy and be happy again...
circle of life
why did i choose this title? becaus that is how my life has been ,i keep coming back to the things which i've been running from...in this blog which i just created few second back i want to have a look in to my past and present life to see how is that i am crossing same path more than once ,i would like to meet people who feel like me and those who don't ...those who have same experiances and those who are new to this feeling ...all are welcome to leave comment (how ever i am a bit sensetive person and i get hurt by insensetive comments even if i don't know the sender,so please feel free to be critical but be kind too)
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